Again, my head is running with so many thoughts...
This is my third holiday season sober. The first two were great and I enjoyed them but this year my attitude just isn't in it. I don't have a desire to drink but my emotional sobriety just sucks! And with the economy down and people not working, meetings have been crazier than normal. NORMAL... haha... now that is a funny word!!!
Is it March yet? I am having a terrible time staying in the now!
The meeting I secretary for was very entertaining yesterday. Cheap entertainment as my sponsor calls it. I watched about 15 to 20 people get up and leave the meeting over a stupid resentment. Actually, after they all left, the meeting turned out to be really great. The whiners left. Finally a meeting with the solution!!! When my service position is up I am finding a new home group.
I know what I have to do today. Get into service!!! Inside and outside the rooms of AA!!! It always gets me out of me!!! So off I go to get out of this mood! :)
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Peace of Mind
Peace of Mind
"AA has taught me that I will have peace of mind in exact proportion to the peace of mind I bring into the lives of other people, and it has taught me the true meaning of the admonition 'happy are ye who know these things and do them.' For the only problems I have now are those I create when I break out in a rash of self-will."
c. 1976AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 551
^*^*^*^*^
I am back in peace of mind and the sunlight of the spirit!!! :)
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Blah Blah Blah
Everything in my sobriety world is feeling blah. I want to be that two year old that lays on the ground and kicks n screams. That thought sounds nice and if I thought I would look pretty doing that I just might REALLY do it. I cannot put my finger on exactly what it is that is bothering me. I am told by mentors that sometimes it really isn't anything in particular and to stop over analyzing it. But, I am an alcoholic and isn't it my job to do just that? ;) So I don't like being uncomfortable but that is what earned me my seat in "the program."
My home group is having a business meeting on Friday. I think the topics are not giving chips to addicts and teaching chair people how to do the job. I want to add that we need financial reports from "D" because I think we have a huge surplus in reserves. That money should be disbursed to the appropriate places and not just sitting in the bank (or making "D's" car payment--just joking). I know Jeannie wants swearing to be outlawed in the meetings. Thank God for group conscious!!! In today's world, dual addictions are common place. So what if an addict takes a chip in an AA meeting. It doesn't happen often because most people taking chips, myself included, say we are just alcoholics. If I were to be sitting in an NA meeting, I would say I am an addict. Just to be part of and not trying to be unique. Of course, you won't find me in an NA meeting because the ones I have gone to... wow... they are mean to each other. Personally, I really want to get rid of the court card people or they shouldn't be allowed to speak unless they have a Sponsor and are taking the Steps. Just my opinion...
Back to my blahness! Because it is all about me! ;) I have been talking to Maryann a lot lately and it seems that we are going through a lot of the same things. Yesterday we did the exact same thing... sat around, watched t.v., didn't call anyone or do service work, etc. When she finally called me last night we had to laugh at where our heads were. Thank God, again, for this program and the honesty involved. I personally thank God for the people He/She/It has put in my life. Without these people and my Higher Power I would not be sitting here sober today. I just noticed that I have a little gratitude this morning. Guess I am not as bad off as I thought.
I read a friends blog this morning and realized that my pity party is selfish. She is going through some really rough times and honestly, I don't think I would be handling it as well as she is. If you are reading this my friend, I am saying prayers for you and I am here to listen anytime you want to talk.
Acronyms:
EGO = Edging God Out
GOD = Good Orderly Direction
My home group is having a business meeting on Friday. I think the topics are not giving chips to addicts and teaching chair people how to do the job. I want to add that we need financial reports from "D" because I think we have a huge surplus in reserves. That money should be disbursed to the appropriate places and not just sitting in the bank (or making "D's" car payment--just joking). I know Jeannie wants swearing to be outlawed in the meetings. Thank God for group conscious!!! In today's world, dual addictions are common place. So what if an addict takes a chip in an AA meeting. It doesn't happen often because most people taking chips, myself included, say we are just alcoholics. If I were to be sitting in an NA meeting, I would say I am an addict. Just to be part of and not trying to be unique. Of course, you won't find me in an NA meeting because the ones I have gone to... wow... they are mean to each other. Personally, I really want to get rid of the court card people or they shouldn't be allowed to speak unless they have a Sponsor and are taking the Steps. Just my opinion...
Back to my blahness! Because it is all about me! ;) I have been talking to Maryann a lot lately and it seems that we are going through a lot of the same things. Yesterday we did the exact same thing... sat around, watched t.v., didn't call anyone or do service work, etc. When she finally called me last night we had to laugh at where our heads were. Thank God, again, for this program and the honesty involved. I personally thank God for the people He/She/It has put in my life. Without these people and my Higher Power I would not be sitting here sober today. I just noticed that I have a little gratitude this morning. Guess I am not as bad off as I thought.
I read a friends blog this morning and realized that my pity party is selfish. She is going through some really rough times and honestly, I don't think I would be handling it as well as she is. If you are reading this my friend, I am saying prayers for you and I am here to listen anytime you want to talk.
Acronyms:
EGO = Edging God Out
GOD = Good Orderly Direction
Monday, November 10, 2008
Oh the insanity of it all!
I have blogged about my bio-Dad in the past. He is an active alcoholic with all the behaviors to boot.
Oh the DRAMA!
Ok, so my bio-Dad has said in the past two months that he is moving away and no one will ever find or see him again. He has the "poor me" and the "done to him" down to an art form. I don't even think he knows the truth anymore. In the last phone conversation I had with him, he stated that he was no longer on speaking terms with my brother, Ryan, and that I am the only one who will talk to him besides his mother. I don't think he likes talking to me much because I call him on his crap and I definitely will not sympathize with him.
This morning I got an email from my sister-in-law and it was marked URGENT! She said that Ryan got a weird phone message either from my Dad or about my Dad being sick or dying. It sounded vague to me. Ok, so my thinking is... reality set in for Dad. No one is buying his crap. He is creating drama to get everyone back in his life. He reminds me of the little boy who cried wolf. His intentions of disappearing and no one ever finding him ... didn't he realize that he would die alone. Sounds harsh, I know. So the drama is to be continued... I have already mourned him so I cannot feel anything. I just don't want any part of his drama.
Oh the DRAMA!
Ok, so my bio-Dad has said in the past two months that he is moving away and no one will ever find or see him again. He has the "poor me" and the "done to him" down to an art form. I don't even think he knows the truth anymore. In the last phone conversation I had with him, he stated that he was no longer on speaking terms with my brother, Ryan, and that I am the only one who will talk to him besides his mother. I don't think he likes talking to me much because I call him on his crap and I definitely will not sympathize with him.
This morning I got an email from my sister-in-law and it was marked URGENT! She said that Ryan got a weird phone message either from my Dad or about my Dad being sick or dying. It sounded vague to me. Ok, so my thinking is... reality set in for Dad. No one is buying his crap. He is creating drama to get everyone back in his life. He reminds me of the little boy who cried wolf. His intentions of disappearing and no one ever finding him ... didn't he realize that he would die alone. Sounds harsh, I know. So the drama is to be continued... I have already mourned him so I cannot feel anything. I just don't want any part of his drama.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Step Four and other crazy thoughts!
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Doesn't that sentence sound scary?!
The following is from the "Big Book" pg. 64-65 (I am typing this stuff straight from the book and this book is not known for it's grammar.)
"We started upon a personal inventory. This was Step Four. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.
We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.
Resentment is the 'number one' offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. We we were sore. We were burned up.
On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?"
The book goes on about honesty and thoroughness. Etc....
In my quest for truth, honesty and a new life, my Sponsor showed me how to make my list. I prayed on this Step asking God to give me the courage and strength to get REALLY honest. It took me about a month to complete this Step. Some people can do this Step in a night, other people months and then there are those who never take or finish this Step (I/we call those people, if they stay sober, dry drunks). After taking my inventory, as it is called, I went to the next Step. Step Five. I will blog about Step Five in the future. Remember how I said this Step sounded scary? It really isn't!!!
Onto other crazy thoughts...
I must be going through another "growth experience/opportunity!" God gave me little blinders as I call them and He reveals little at a time. I usually welcome the growth and sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air and scream "Why now?" I believe God reveals things when He thinks we are ready to grow. We humans are creatures of habit so for something new to be thrown at us makes us uncomfortable especially when we KNOW we have to change. Today I am screaming "WHY NOW?!"
Acronym: AFGO = Another F***ing Growth Opportunity. Whoever thought that one up was an angry alcoholic.
Angry + Alcoholic = dry drunk!!!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Honesty
"There are those, too, who suffer from from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." Pg. 58 Alcoholics Anonymous "The Big Book"
Chapter 5 from the Big Book "How it Works" is read before almost every meeting (pages 58-60). The above quote is part of the reading.
Getting honest!!! Wow what a concept!
I used to have anxiety attacks, manic episodes and depression. I would be lying if I said that I don't suffer from those today. The difference today is that I don't have to take medication to deal with those issues. I deal with them directly in an honest way. Looking back, in 1993, when a doctor put me on zoloft, clonopin, lithium, etc. I now feel like I was a guinea pig. My opinion, and this IS just my opinion, doctors are too willing to give out medications. Granted, there are cases where medication is needed but I am in contact with people like me that were over prescribed medications.
Anxiety! How I suffered from that. When I went to my first meeting I just about had a heart attack when I realized that everyone said their name and the nature of their disease. I wanted to run out of the room because I didn't even want to say my name. I was in deep fear and anxiety. Today, and this baffles me, I secretary three meetings a week and I have gotten up and done a Speaker Meeting. When I secretary, I sit in front of, anywhere from 20 to 70 people, and talk. As for the Speaker Meeting, I backed out on my first one but this past August I got up in a big room full of people and told my story. I spoke for about 20 minutes. Did I have anxiety? YES! But, I found out MOST people feel that way. It is just life.
As for the manic episodes and depression... well anyone that knows me, knows I can talk a mile a minute and get sort of crazy. Now that I know what my character defects are, I know that when I get into a manic episode I have to look deep inside and see what the real issue is (getting honest with self). Yes it is a chemical imbalance but I can take a deep breath and meditate. No medication needed. As for depression, when I feel it coming on... I talk about it, go to meetings, do service work... I look at my depression as a selfish thing. I am not a doctor but I know there are ways of dealing with things without drugs.
I am not a guru of "the program," but I sure am grateful that I had the willingness to open my mind and surrender my ego.
Chapter 5 from the Big Book "How it Works" is read before almost every meeting (pages 58-60). The above quote is part of the reading.
Getting honest!!! Wow what a concept!
I used to have anxiety attacks, manic episodes and depression. I would be lying if I said that I don't suffer from those today. The difference today is that I don't have to take medication to deal with those issues. I deal with them directly in an honest way. Looking back, in 1993, when a doctor put me on zoloft, clonopin, lithium, etc. I now feel like I was a guinea pig. My opinion, and this IS just my opinion, doctors are too willing to give out medications. Granted, there are cases where medication is needed but I am in contact with people like me that were over prescribed medications.
Anxiety! How I suffered from that. When I went to my first meeting I just about had a heart attack when I realized that everyone said their name and the nature of their disease. I wanted to run out of the room because I didn't even want to say my name. I was in deep fear and anxiety. Today, and this baffles me, I secretary three meetings a week and I have gotten up and done a Speaker Meeting. When I secretary, I sit in front of, anywhere from 20 to 70 people, and talk. As for the Speaker Meeting, I backed out on my first one but this past August I got up in a big room full of people and told my story. I spoke for about 20 minutes. Did I have anxiety? YES! But, I found out MOST people feel that way. It is just life.
As for the manic episodes and depression... well anyone that knows me, knows I can talk a mile a minute and get sort of crazy. Now that I know what my character defects are, I know that when I get into a manic episode I have to look deep inside and see what the real issue is (getting honest with self). Yes it is a chemical imbalance but I can take a deep breath and meditate. No medication needed. As for depression, when I feel it coming on... I talk about it, go to meetings, do service work... I look at my depression as a selfish thing. I am not a doctor but I know there are ways of dealing with things without drugs.
I am not a guru of "the program," but I sure am grateful that I had the willingness to open my mind and surrender my ego.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Living in Recovery/Sobriety
I have a serious living problem! There I said it...
I am grateful for the program and that I have been given the tools as a guide to living life. A life without regrets. A life full of promises and gifts. A life that I once abandoned...
(I have so many thoughts running through my mind so this Post may be a little manic and disorganized.)
I used to live on chaos and lies. I was in denial so I never saw what was REALLY going on. Some people say that the program brainwashes people. I say, "my brain needed some washing!" If I am living in a brainwashing program, it doesn't bother me one bit. I would not trade the peace I have now for the chaos and hell I was in before.
When I first entered the program and quit drinking and using I jumped onto this really nice pink fluffy cloud. Everything seemed so wonderful. In my mind, everyone in the program was getting well. Then the six month mark of sobriety hit and life got real.... REAL FAST! I had to start dealing with my feelings I used to drink away. I realized that not everyone in the program was there to get well. I had resentments towards my Sponsor. I was a mess. The only thing that saved me at that time was my ego. I told myself that I was not going to be one of those people that relapse and come back, relapse and come back. Deep down, I think I really feared that if I relapsed I wouldn't make it back. So I told myself to hang in there until the one year mark and if things did not get better than to hell with the program. Working the Steps and not getting that relief that some people talk about in meetings was hard. Around nine or ten months into my sobriety something changed. I don't know the exact date or anything like that but I was driving and realized that everything looked different. I was at peace and in gratitude. Chuck C. wrote a book called "A New Pair of Glasses." Good Book! I had my spiritual awakening.
The obsession to drink or use was gone and I was on a path to living. Not just struggling and being miserable. Each day brings different challenges because ... that is how life is. Today I don't have to drink over any of it.
I used to think life would be so boring without alcohol... It is anything BUT boring.
I am grateful for the program and that I have been given the tools as a guide to living life. A life without regrets. A life full of promises and gifts. A life that I once abandoned...
(I have so many thoughts running through my mind so this Post may be a little manic and disorganized.)
I used to live on chaos and lies. I was in denial so I never saw what was REALLY going on. Some people say that the program brainwashes people. I say, "my brain needed some washing!" If I am living in a brainwashing program, it doesn't bother me one bit. I would not trade the peace I have now for the chaos and hell I was in before.
When I first entered the program and quit drinking and using I jumped onto this really nice pink fluffy cloud. Everything seemed so wonderful. In my mind, everyone in the program was getting well. Then the six month mark of sobriety hit and life got real.... REAL FAST! I had to start dealing with my feelings I used to drink away. I realized that not everyone in the program was there to get well. I had resentments towards my Sponsor. I was a mess. The only thing that saved me at that time was my ego. I told myself that I was not going to be one of those people that relapse and come back, relapse and come back. Deep down, I think I really feared that if I relapsed I wouldn't make it back. So I told myself to hang in there until the one year mark and if things did not get better than to hell with the program. Working the Steps and not getting that relief that some people talk about in meetings was hard. Around nine or ten months into my sobriety something changed. I don't know the exact date or anything like that but I was driving and realized that everything looked different. I was at peace and in gratitude. Chuck C. wrote a book called "A New Pair of Glasses." Good Book! I had my spiritual awakening.
The obsession to drink or use was gone and I was on a path to living. Not just struggling and being miserable. Each day brings different challenges because ... that is how life is. Today I don't have to drink over any of it.
I used to think life would be so boring without alcohol... It is anything BUT boring.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Step Three
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
At this point, having my own conception of God, it was now time to start trusting in that Higher Power. This sounds easier than it is. This Step takes practice and I definitely know when I am not turning it over to God. My Will or self reliance fails me and makes me feel utter chaos, Gods Will is peaceful. Acceptance.
Here is the Third Step Prayer:
"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!"
I love that prayer and sometimes I shorten it to, "God, relieve me of the bondage of self." I have always been so self absorbed that it takes work for me to get out of myself and do for others. My Sponsor gave me some great advice... "Do something for someone else without them knowing it or anyone else knowing either." That makes perfect sense of being totally selfless.
At this point, having my own conception of God, it was now time to start trusting in that Higher Power. This sounds easier than it is. This Step takes practice and I definitely know when I am not turning it over to God. My Will or self reliance fails me and makes me feel utter chaos, Gods Will is peaceful. Acceptance.
Here is the Third Step Prayer:
"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!"
I love that prayer and sometimes I shorten it to, "God, relieve me of the bondage of self." I have always been so self absorbed that it takes work for me to get out of myself and do for others. My Sponsor gave me some great advice... "Do something for someone else without them knowing it or anyone else knowing either." That makes perfect sense of being totally selfless.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Random Thoughts...
My bio-Dad called me out of the blue two days ago. To hear the sickness of the disease of alcoholism in his everyday conversation, it blows me away. Alcohol is but a symptom of this disease called alcoholism. I don't think many people really understand that concept.
When my father says to me that he no longer has any brothers because of what THEY did to him, he fails to see his part in it. Like, what did HE do to make them act the way they did. My Dad was saying to me that he is moving and that no one will ever find him or see him again. As if the family is REALLY going to be hurt by this or is REALLY even thinking about him as much as he thinks they are. I am not taking sides on this but I am beginning to believe that THAT side of the family has alcoholism running crazily around rampantly. They all may not be drinking but they sure do exhibit the traits. Sad. I am grateful that I have gone through the things I had to go through to get to this place I am at now. By the grace of God, I have had that Spiritual Awakening so that I may be at peace with myself and to serve others without ego or self.
Onto other random thoughts...
In the "relationships in recovery" post, I talked about a potential person. Well, that didn't turn out so well. I could be wrong, but I feel like I was used as a pawn for him to get his girlfriend back. I am not upset just sad to see someone in the program not practicing the principals. AGAIN, I may be wrong. The old me would have been plotting and planning to "get back" at him or her. Today, I can let that all go because ... really ... in the grand scheme of things ... how important is it?!?! Not enough to drive me more crazy than I already am.
When my father says to me that he no longer has any brothers because of what THEY did to him, he fails to see his part in it. Like, what did HE do to make them act the way they did. My Dad was saying to me that he is moving and that no one will ever find him or see him again. As if the family is REALLY going to be hurt by this or is REALLY even thinking about him as much as he thinks they are. I am not taking sides on this but I am beginning to believe that THAT side of the family has alcoholism running crazily around rampantly. They all may not be drinking but they sure do exhibit the traits. Sad. I am grateful that I have gone through the things I had to go through to get to this place I am at now. By the grace of God, I have had that Spiritual Awakening so that I may be at peace with myself and to serve others without ego or self.
Onto other random thoughts...
In the "relationships in recovery" post, I talked about a potential person. Well, that didn't turn out so well. I could be wrong, but I feel like I was used as a pawn for him to get his girlfriend back. I am not upset just sad to see someone in the program not practicing the principals. AGAIN, I may be wrong. The old me would have been plotting and planning to "get back" at him or her. Today, I can let that all go because ... really ... in the grand scheme of things ... how important is it?!?! Not enough to drive me more crazy than I already am.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Step Two (Continued)
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselve could restore us to sanity."
"How could God restore us to sanity? What is this sanity thing? I am not insane!" Those were my words in the beginning.
Websters Dictionary on sanity... sanity (n): soundness of mind.
"How could God restore us to sanity? What is this sanity thing? I am not insane!" Those were my words in the beginning.
Websters Dictionary on sanity... sanity (n): soundness of mind.
If you think you might have a problem with alcohol and you try controlled drinking, is that soundness of mind? There are many different types of alcoholics so the sanity varies. Or I should say insanity. For me, my disease was progressive and the insanity progressed with it. Some of my insane thoughts and actions were: the obsession to drink, controlled drinking, isolating myself, lying for stupid reasons unknown, trying to control how people thought, plotting and planning when I felt wronged, ... this list could go on and on and I will spare you.
Today, because I came to believe in a Power greater than myself and with the help of Step 3, I have some sanity. Some days are better than others though. This is not a program of perfection just doing the best I can with what I have been given. Today is my gift. I get to live today.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Step Two
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I am not sure, but I think I forgot to add in my past posts that in the beginning of my recovery I really had no intention of working the 12 Steps. I read them and thought to myself, "what in the heck do those Steps have to do with my drinking/addictions?" Turns out, it had EVERYTHING to do with my drinking/addictions!
My Sponsor took me out to lunch one day and she (as I like to say) tricked me into Step One. It seemed fairly easy so I figured I would continue with the rest of the Steps but in my heart I just KNEW it wouldn't work for me. HA HA! Looking back, I guess I am not as unique as I thought I was or would like to be. ;)
Going to Step Two now, I want to quote something from the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous), this is from Bill's Story:
My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, "Why don't you choose your own conception of God?"
That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last.
It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning.
After reading that, especially the part about choosing your own conception of God, was freeing for me in many ways. I was brought up in a non-practicing LDS family. My grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins were all practicing LDS Members so naturally I felt out of place from the beginning. My grandmother made sure I was baptized into the Church when I was 8. Still, I never felt very comfortable with this dogma. What I did know of the LDS Church was that they frowned heavily on smoking, drinking caffeine and/or alcohol. So, in defiance, I decided I was going to do all those things that the Church told the Members not to do. I still believed in their conception of God because I knew no other. So to me, God turned his back. I was going to hell no matter what I did.
Now given the freedom to choose my own conception of God or Higher Power as some people like to say, that journey in and of itself was fun and confusing at the same time. My own belief is that God is not a man or a woman but just IS. That is my own conception and it doesn't matter what other people think because it works for me and THAT is all that matters. My God also has a fabulous sense of humor and loves me no matter what.
As an after thought, I used to verbally put all organized religions down. Now I respect those who BELIEVE in something as long as it isn't harmful to ones spirit. Spirituality is the foundation.
Today, with daily prayer and meditation to the God of my understanding, I feel as Bill did when he wrote "I stood in the sunlight at last."
I am not sure, but I think I forgot to add in my past posts that in the beginning of my recovery I really had no intention of working the 12 Steps. I read them and thought to myself, "what in the heck do those Steps have to do with my drinking/addictions?" Turns out, it had EVERYTHING to do with my drinking/addictions!
My Sponsor took me out to lunch one day and she (as I like to say) tricked me into Step One. It seemed fairly easy so I figured I would continue with the rest of the Steps but in my heart I just KNEW it wouldn't work for me. HA HA! Looking back, I guess I am not as unique as I thought I was or would like to be. ;)
Going to Step Two now, I want to quote something from the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous), this is from Bill's Story:
My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, "Why don't you choose your own conception of God?"
That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last.
It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning.
After reading that, especially the part about choosing your own conception of God, was freeing for me in many ways. I was brought up in a non-practicing LDS family. My grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins were all practicing LDS Members so naturally I felt out of place from the beginning. My grandmother made sure I was baptized into the Church when I was 8. Still, I never felt very comfortable with this dogma. What I did know of the LDS Church was that they frowned heavily on smoking, drinking caffeine and/or alcohol. So, in defiance, I decided I was going to do all those things that the Church told the Members not to do. I still believed in their conception of God because I knew no other. So to me, God turned his back. I was going to hell no matter what I did.
Now given the freedom to choose my own conception of God or Higher Power as some people like to say, that journey in and of itself was fun and confusing at the same time. My own belief is that God is not a man or a woman but just IS. That is my own conception and it doesn't matter what other people think because it works for me and THAT is all that matters. My God also has a fabulous sense of humor and loves me no matter what.
As an after thought, I used to verbally put all organized religions down. Now I respect those who BELIEVE in something as long as it isn't harmful to ones spirit. Spirituality is the foundation.
Today, with daily prayer and meditation to the God of my understanding, I feel as Bill did when he wrote "I stood in the sunlight at last."
Friday, October 3, 2008
Step One (continued)
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.
Step One is the only Step that has to be done 100 percent perfect. Not only did I have to admit that I was powerless over alcohol, I pretty much had to resign myself to the fact that I was and am powerless over people, places and things. The Twelve Steps can be used for any addiction/problem. Replace the word alcohol with whatever the addiction/problem is and work the Twelve Steps. I know it works on other things besides alcohol because I have tried it on other problems. Some people in the program joke that if the whole world did the Twelve Steps it would be a much more peaceful place to live.
"-that our lives had become unmanageable." Before I was in recovery, I thought my life was just fine except for a few broken bones, crazy behavior, etc. Oh boy, how my life WAS unmanageable. I could function ok but looking at the whole picture was another thing. My life STILL is unmanageable but today, with the program, I know how to deal with "it" as it comes.
The Steps are a design for living.
AA Acronym: DENIAL = didn't even (k)now I am(was) lying
Step One is the only Step that has to be done 100 percent perfect. Not only did I have to admit that I was powerless over alcohol, I pretty much had to resign myself to the fact that I was and am powerless over people, places and things. The Twelve Steps can be used for any addiction/problem. Replace the word alcohol with whatever the addiction/problem is and work the Twelve Steps. I know it works on other things besides alcohol because I have tried it on other problems. Some people in the program joke that if the whole world did the Twelve Steps it would be a much more peaceful place to live.
"-that our lives had become unmanageable." Before I was in recovery, I thought my life was just fine except for a few broken bones, crazy behavior, etc. Oh boy, how my life WAS unmanageable. I could function ok but looking at the whole picture was another thing. My life STILL is unmanageable but today, with the program, I know how to deal with "it" as it comes.
The Steps are a design for living.
AA Acronym: DENIAL = didn't even (k)now I am(was) lying
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Relationships in Recovery
I literally took my Sponsors advise on not dating in the first year of sobriety. That was a blessing because it gave me the time to get to know myself. The real ME. I am now over a year sober and in fact I am done with my second year and working on my third year, so my Sponsor told me to make a list of everything I wanted in a man/relationship and then when I was done to turn that list around on myself and see if I could give all those listed items back to a relationship. Wow that was a hard one.
Going back to the point of this "relationships in recovery" and how it relates to me today. I once heard in a meeting that if you were looking for a relationship in recovery that "the odds are good BUT the goods are odd." That makes me chuckle every time I hear it and it is true. I have steered clear of all the guys in AA romantically. I did have my little AA crushes but I brushed them aside and would later say to myself "What was I thinking when I crushed on so-so?" Yesterday, one of those early sobriety crushes started text flirting with me. I, of course, flirted back. It now looks like we are going to go to dinner and a movie. I am freaking out. That nasty thing called "fear" is rearing it's nasty head. I have learned through working the Steps that I make most of my decisions based on fear. I have been analyzing this whole situation way too much. One part of me likes my life today and I feel at this point in time that getting involved with someone would just complicate what I have. Another part of me is going over the "what if's." It goes to show that my head is off and running over the silliest things.
Another problem of relationships in recovery is the fact that if a relationship does happen and later on down the road the two people break up, one of the people involved might stop going to meetings to avoid that other person. Meetings are so important and I have seen people go back out (and drink or start using) when they stop going to meetings. Alcoholism is a disease and meetings are the medicine like a diabetic takes insulin.
I have decided to go out with "D" with no expectations and an open mind. I will be posting updates on how this one plays out.
Again, I will end this with another AA acronym... FROG = Fully Rely On God!
Going back to the point of this "relationships in recovery" and how it relates to me today. I once heard in a meeting that if you were looking for a relationship in recovery that "the odds are good BUT the goods are odd." That makes me chuckle every time I hear it and it is true. I have steered clear of all the guys in AA romantically. I did have my little AA crushes but I brushed them aside and would later say to myself "What was I thinking when I crushed on so-so?" Yesterday, one of those early sobriety crushes started text flirting with me. I, of course, flirted back. It now looks like we are going to go to dinner and a movie. I am freaking out. That nasty thing called "fear" is rearing it's nasty head. I have learned through working the Steps that I make most of my decisions based on fear. I have been analyzing this whole situation way too much. One part of me likes my life today and I feel at this point in time that getting involved with someone would just complicate what I have. Another part of me is going over the "what if's." It goes to show that my head is off and running over the silliest things.
Another problem of relationships in recovery is the fact that if a relationship does happen and later on down the road the two people break up, one of the people involved might stop going to meetings to avoid that other person. Meetings are so important and I have seen people go back out (and drink or start using) when they stop going to meetings. Alcoholism is a disease and meetings are the medicine like a diabetic takes insulin.
I have decided to go out with "D" with no expectations and an open mind. I will be posting updates on how this one plays out.
Again, I will end this with another AA acronym... FROG = Fully Rely On God!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Step One
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol---that our lives had become unmanageable.
I always new I had "issues" with alcohol and drugs but I was never convinced that I was an alcoholic. I had never been arrested for a DUI. I didn't lose the people in my life. I wasn't living on the streets....etc. I always thought "true" alcoholics were the bums on the streets. How wrong I was. I was a functioning alcoholic in denial.
In my first meeting, when I looked around the room, it hit me that the people in there didn't look like alcoholics. Ok, well some did. Again, my thinking was wrong. There is no face for alcoholism. I finally admitted that I was powerless over alcohol. I said "My name is Sheri and I am an alcoholic." The relief of coming to that realization was overwhelming and peaceful at the same time.
Step One to be cont....
Robbing Someone of Their Own Experience
I went to the women's meeting last night at Maryann's and I had her check out this blog. It dawned on my that she had been a re-tread just once. But, her experience led her to the conclusion, without doubt, that she is definately an alcoholic. So I must remember that everyone gets "it" in their own time. My lesson is to not rob anyone of their own experience. It makes you stronger.
My father is an active alcoholic. I was talking to my half brother and he stated that he always cleans up "Dad's messes." A good example of robbing someone of their own experience. My brother was all proud that he did this for Dad and I just looked at him and said "Why do you do that?" Personally, in my opinion, Dad will hit bottom (or die) faster if he was to claim all responsibility for his actions. If you are an alcoholic reading this, you know the odds are not in his favor.
My father is an active alcoholic. I was talking to my half brother and he stated that he always cleans up "Dad's messes." A good example of robbing someone of their own experience. My brother was all proud that he did this for Dad and I just looked at him and said "Why do you do that?" Personally, in my opinion, Dad will hit bottom (or die) faster if he was to claim all responsibility for his actions. If you are an alcoholic reading this, you know the odds are not in his favor.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
What the H***
I am feeling really crazy for starting a blog when there are so many out there. My thinking (which so often gets me in trouble) is to share my experience with alcoholism/addiction and my current state in Recovery.
My sobriety birthday is June 15, 2006 and I am not a re-tread. For those that do not know what a re-tread is, it is a person that bounces in and out of the rooms of AA. When I decided to go to an AA meeting I only intended to "stick around" for maybe a few days or a month. Here I sit two years and three months later still sober. I am not a dry drunk either. I have found true sobriety.
Until my next entry I will leave one of those crazy acronym's that AAers love so much.
The "ISM" in alcoholism = Incredibly Short Memory or I Sabatoge Myself
My sobriety birthday is June 15, 2006 and I am not a re-tread. For those that do not know what a re-tread is, it is a person that bounces in and out of the rooms of AA. When I decided to go to an AA meeting I only intended to "stick around" for maybe a few days or a month. Here I sit two years and three months later still sober. I am not a dry drunk either. I have found true sobriety.
Until my next entry I will leave one of those crazy acronym's that AAers love so much.
The "ISM" in alcoholism = Incredibly Short Memory or I Sabatoge Myself
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