Living in Recovery/Sobriety

I have a serious living problem! There I said it...

I am grateful for the program and that I have been given the tools as a guide to living life. A life without regrets. A life full of promises and gifts. A life that I once abandoned...

(I have so many thoughts running through my mind so this Post may be a little manic and disorganized.)

I used to live on chaos and lies. I was in denial so I never saw what was REALLY going on. Some people say that the program brainwashes people. I say, "my brain needed some washing!" If I am living in a brainwashing program, it doesn't bother me one bit. I would not trade the peace I have now for the chaos and hell I was in before.

When I first entered the program and quit drinking and using I jumped onto this really nice pink fluffy cloud. Everything seemed so wonderful. In my mind, everyone in the program was getting well. Then the six month mark of sobriety hit and life got real.... REAL FAST! I had to start dealing with my feelings I used to drink away. I realized that not everyone in the program was there to get well. I had resentments towards my Sponsor. I was a mess. The only thing that saved me at that time was my ego. I told myself that I was not going to be one of those people that relapse and come back, relapse and come back. Deep down, I think I really feared that if I relapsed I wouldn't make it back. So I told myself to hang in there until the one year mark and if things did not get better than to hell with the program. Working the Steps and not getting that relief that some people talk about in meetings was hard. Around nine or ten months into my sobriety something changed. I don't know the exact date or anything like that but I was driving and realized that everything looked different. I was at peace and in gratitude. Chuck C. wrote a book called "A New Pair of Glasses." Good Book! I had my spiritual awakening.

The obsession to drink or use was gone and I was on a path to living. Not just struggling and being miserable. Each day brings different challenges because ... that is how life is. Today I don't have to drink over any of it.

I used to think life would be so boring without alcohol... It is anything BUT boring.

Step Three

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

At this point, having my own conception of God, it was now time to start trusting in that Higher Power. This sounds easier than it is. This Step takes practice and I definitely know when I am not turning it over to God. My Will or self reliance fails me and makes me feel utter chaos, Gods Will is peaceful. Acceptance.

Here is the Third Step Prayer:

"God, I offer myself to Thee--to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!"

I love that prayer and sometimes I shorten it to, "God, relieve me of the bondage of self." I have always been so self absorbed that it takes work for me to get out of myself and do for others. My Sponsor gave me some great advice... "Do something for someone else without them knowing it or anyone else knowing either." That makes perfect sense of being totally selfless.

Random Thoughts...

My bio-Dad called me out of the blue two days ago. To hear the sickness of the disease of alcoholism in his everyday conversation, it blows me away. Alcohol is but a symptom of this disease called alcoholism. I don't think many people really understand that concept.

When my father says to me that he no longer has any brothers because of what THEY did to him, he fails to see his part in it. Like, what did HE do to make them act the way they did. My Dad was saying to me that he is moving and that no one will ever find him or see him again. As if the family is REALLY going to be hurt by this or is REALLY even thinking about him as much as he thinks they are. I am not taking sides on this but I am beginning to believe that THAT side of the family has alcoholism running crazily around rampantly. They all may not be drinking but they sure do exhibit the traits. Sad. I am grateful that I have gone through the things I had to go through to get to this place I am at now. By the grace of God, I have had that Spiritual Awakening so that I may be at peace with myself and to serve others without ego or self.

Onto other random thoughts...

In the "relationships in recovery" post, I talked about a potential person. Well, that didn't turn out so well. I could be wrong, but I feel like I was used as a pawn for him to get his girlfriend back. I am not upset just sad to see someone in the program not practicing the principals. AGAIN, I may be wrong. The old me would have been plotting and planning to "get back" at him or her. Today, I can let that all go because ... really ... in the grand scheme of things ... how important is it?!?! Not enough to drive me more crazy than I already am.

Step Two (Continued)

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselve could restore us to sanity."

"How could God restore us to sanity? What is this sanity thing? I am not insane!" Those were my words in the beginning.

Websters Dictionary on sanity... sanity (n): soundness of mind.

If you think you might have a problem with alcohol and you try controlled drinking, is that soundness of mind? There are many different types of alcoholics so the sanity varies. Or I should say insanity. For me, my disease was progressive and the insanity progressed with it. Some of my insane thoughts and actions were: the obsession to drink, controlled drinking, isolating myself, lying for stupid reasons unknown, trying to control how people thought, plotting and planning when I felt wronged, ... this list could go on and on and I will spare you.

Today, because I came to believe in a Power greater than myself and with the help of Step 3, I have some sanity. Some days are better than others though. This is not a program of perfection just doing the best I can with what I have been given. Today is my gift. I get to live today.

Step Two

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I am not sure, but I think I forgot to add in my past posts that in the beginning of my recovery I really had no intention of working the 12 Steps. I read them and thought to myself, "what in the heck do those Steps have to do with my drinking/addictions?" Turns out, it had EVERYTHING to do with my drinking/addictions!

My Sponsor took me out to lunch one day and she (as I like to say) tricked me into Step One. It seemed fairly easy so I figured I would continue with the rest of the Steps but in my heart I just KNEW it wouldn't work for me. HA HA! Looking back, I guess I am not as unique as I thought I was or would like to be. ;)

Going to Step Two now, I want to quote something from the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous), this is from Bill's Story:



My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, "Why don't you choose your own conception of God?"

That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last.

It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning.



After reading that, especially the part about choosing your own conception of God, was freeing for me in many ways. I was brought up in a non-practicing LDS family. My grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins were all practicing LDS Members so naturally I felt out of place from the beginning. My grandmother made sure I was baptized into the Church when I was 8. Still, I never felt very comfortable with this dogma. What I did know of the LDS Church was that they frowned heavily on smoking, drinking caffeine and/or alcohol. So, in defiance, I decided I was going to do all those things that the Church told the Members not to do. I still believed in their conception of God because I knew no other. So to me, God turned his back. I was going to hell no matter what I did.

Now given the freedom to choose my own conception of God or Higher Power as some people like to say, that journey in and of itself was fun and confusing at the same time. My own belief is that God is not a man or a woman but just IS. That is my own conception and it doesn't matter what other people think because it works for me and THAT is all that matters. My God also has a fabulous sense of humor and loves me no matter what.

As an after thought, I used to verbally put all organized religions down. Now I respect those who BELIEVE in something as long as it isn't harmful to ones spirit. Spirituality is the foundation.

Today, with daily prayer and meditation to the God of my understanding, I feel as Bill did when he wrote "I stood in the sunlight at last."

Step One (continued)

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step One is the only Step that has to be done 100 percent perfect. Not only did I have to admit that I was powerless over alcohol, I pretty much had to resign myself to the fact that I was and am powerless over people, places and things. The Twelve Steps can be used for any addiction/problem. Replace the word alcohol with whatever the addiction/problem is and work the Twelve Steps. I know it works on other things besides alcohol because I have tried it on other problems. Some people in the program joke that if the whole world did the Twelve Steps it would be a much more peaceful place to live.

"-that our lives had become unmanageable." Before I was in recovery, I thought my life was just fine except for a few broken bones, crazy behavior, etc. Oh boy, how my life WAS unmanageable. I could function ok but looking at the whole picture was another thing. My life STILL is unmanageable but today, with the program, I know how to deal with "it" as it comes.

The Steps are a design for living.

AA Acronym: DENIAL = didn't even (k)now I am(was) lying

Relationships in Recovery

I literally took my Sponsors advise on not dating in the first year of sobriety. That was a blessing because it gave me the time to get to know myself. The real ME. I am now over a year sober and in fact I am done with my second year and working on my third year, so my Sponsor told me to make a list of everything I wanted in a man/relationship and then when I was done to turn that list around on myself and see if I could give all those listed items back to a relationship. Wow that was a hard one.

Going back to the point of this "relationships in recovery" and how it relates to me today. I once heard in a meeting that if you were looking for a relationship in recovery that "the odds are good BUT the goods are odd." That makes me chuckle every time I hear it and it is true. I have steered clear of all the guys in AA romantically. I did have my little AA crushes but I brushed them aside and would later say to myself "What was I thinking when I crushed on so-so?" Yesterday, one of those early sobriety crushes started text flirting with me. I, of course, flirted back. It now looks like we are going to go to dinner and a movie. I am freaking out. That nasty thing called "fear" is rearing it's nasty head. I have learned through working the Steps that I make most of my decisions based on fear. I have been analyzing this whole situation way too much. One part of me likes my life today and I feel at this point in time that getting involved with someone would just complicate what I have. Another part of me is going over the "what if's." It goes to show that my head is off and running over the silliest things.

Another problem of relationships in recovery is the fact that if a relationship does happen and later on down the road the two people break up, one of the people involved might stop going to meetings to avoid that other person. Meetings are so important and I have seen people go back out (and drink or start using) when they stop going to meetings. Alcoholism is a disease and meetings are the medicine like a diabetic takes insulin.

I have decided to go out with "D" with no expectations and an open mind. I will be posting updates on how this one plays out.

Again, I will end this with another AA acronym... FROG = Fully Rely On God!