Expectations

Yay, the Holidays are over! Why do the Holidays bother me? I think because of "expectations." Oh what a dirty, bad word .... EXPECTATIONS! The higher my expectations the lower my serenity becomes. The next action is acceptance. Acceptance of people, places and things.

Moving on, I remember having a conversation with my sponsor a few years ago ... or it could be last year ... on our old vision of what we "should" be doing because everyone else "supposedly" is doing it. Like on New Years Eve, being at the "perfect" party in a "perfect" dress with the "perfect" guy getting the "perfect" kiss at midnight. When that doesn't happen, how does it make us feel? Got the picture?

I did have a wonderful time visiting with my brother, his wife and my nephew for a week. Sobriety brings many wonderful gifts. Being with family and getting along is one of them!

I will leave you with another AA Acronym
HOW = Honesty, Open mindedness, Willingness

Attitude

Again, my head is running with so many thoughts...

This is my third holiday season sober. The first two were great and I enjoyed them but this year my attitude just isn't in it. I don't have a desire to drink but my emotional sobriety just sucks! And with the economy down and people not working, meetings have been crazier than normal. NORMAL... haha... now that is a funny word!!!

Is it March yet? I am having a terrible time staying in the now!

The meeting I secretary for was very entertaining yesterday. Cheap entertainment as my sponsor calls it. I watched about 15 to 20 people get up and leave the meeting over a stupid resentment. Actually, after they all left, the meeting turned out to be really great. The whiners left. Finally a meeting with the solution!!! When my service position is up I am finding a new home group.

I know what I have to do today. Get into service!!! Inside and outside the rooms of AA!!! It always gets me out of me!!! So off I go to get out of this mood! :)

Peace of Mind

Peace of Mind

"AA has taught me that I will have peace of mind in exact proportion to the peace of mind I bring into the lives of other people, and it has taught me the true meaning of the admonition 'happy are ye who know these things and do them.' For the only problems I have now are those I create when I break out in a rash of self-will."

c. 1976AAWS, Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 551

^*^*^*^*^

I am back in peace of mind and the sunlight of the spirit!!! :)

Blah Blah Blah

Everything in my sobriety world is feeling blah. I want to be that two year old that lays on the ground and kicks n screams. That thought sounds nice and if I thought I would look pretty doing that I just might REALLY do it. I cannot put my finger on exactly what it is that is bothering me. I am told by mentors that sometimes it really isn't anything in particular and to stop over analyzing it. But, I am an alcoholic and isn't it my job to do just that? ;) So I don't like being uncomfortable but that is what earned me my seat in "the program."

My home group is having a business meeting on Friday. I think the topics are not giving chips to addicts and teaching chair people how to do the job. I want to add that we need financial reports from "D" because I think we have a huge surplus in reserves. That money should be disbursed to the appropriate places and not just sitting in the bank (or making "D's" car payment--just joking). I know Jeannie wants swearing to be outlawed in the meetings. Thank God for group conscious!!! In today's world, dual addictions are common place. So what if an addict takes a chip in an AA meeting. It doesn't happen often because most people taking chips, myself included, say we are just alcoholics. If I were to be sitting in an NA meeting, I would say I am an addict. Just to be part of and not trying to be unique. Of course, you won't find me in an NA meeting because the ones I have gone to... wow... they are mean to each other. Personally, I really want to get rid of the court card people or they shouldn't be allowed to speak unless they have a Sponsor and are taking the Steps. Just my opinion...

Back to my blahness! Because it is all about me! ;) I have been talking to Maryann a lot lately and it seems that we are going through a lot of the same things. Yesterday we did the exact same thing... sat around, watched t.v., didn't call anyone or do service work, etc. When she finally called me last night we had to laugh at where our heads were. Thank God, again, for this program and the honesty involved. I personally thank God for the people He/She/It has put in my life. Without these people and my Higher Power I would not be sitting here sober today. I just noticed that I have a little gratitude this morning. Guess I am not as bad off as I thought.

I read a friends blog this morning and realized that my pity party is selfish. She is going through some really rough times and honestly, I don't think I would be handling it as well as she is. If you are reading this my friend, I am saying prayers for you and I am here to listen anytime you want to talk.

Acronyms:
EGO = Edging God Out
GOD = Good Orderly Direction

Oh the insanity of it all!

I have blogged about my bio-Dad in the past. He is an active alcoholic with all the behaviors to boot.

Oh the DRAMA!

Ok, so my bio-Dad has said in the past two months that he is moving away and no one will ever find or see him again. He has the "poor me" and the "done to him" down to an art form. I don't even think he knows the truth anymore. In the last phone conversation I had with him, he stated that he was no longer on speaking terms with my brother, Ryan, and that I am the only one who will talk to him besides his mother. I don't think he likes talking to me much because I call him on his crap and I definitely will not sympathize with him.

This morning I got an email from my sister-in-law and it was marked URGENT! She said that Ryan got a weird phone message either from my Dad or about my Dad being sick or dying. It sounded vague to me. Ok, so my thinking is... reality set in for Dad. No one is buying his crap. He is creating drama to get everyone back in his life. He reminds me of the little boy who cried wolf. His intentions of disappearing and no one ever finding him ... didn't he realize that he would die alone. Sounds harsh, I know. So the drama is to be continued... I have already mourned him so I cannot feel anything. I just don't want any part of his drama.

Step Four and other crazy thoughts!

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Doesn't that sentence sound scary?!

The following is from the "Big Book" pg. 64-65 (I am typing this stuff straight from the book and this book is not known for it's grammar.)

"We started upon a personal inventory. This was Step Four. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.

We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.

Resentment is the 'number one' offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. We we were sore. We were burned up.

On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?"

The book goes on about honesty and thoroughness. Etc....

In my quest for truth, honesty and a new life, my Sponsor showed me how to make my list. I prayed on this Step asking God to give me the courage and strength to get REALLY honest. It took me about a month to complete this Step. Some people can do this Step in a night, other people months and then there are those who never take or finish this Step (I/we call those people, if they stay sober, dry drunks). After taking my inventory, as it is called, I went to the next Step. Step Five. I will blog about Step Five in the future. Remember how I said this Step sounded scary? It really isn't!!!

Onto other crazy thoughts...

I must be going through another "growth experience/opportunity!" God gave me little blinders as I call them and He reveals little at a time. I usually welcome the growth and sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air and scream "Why now?" I believe God reveals things when He thinks we are ready to grow. We humans are creatures of habit so for something new to be thrown at us makes us uncomfortable especially when we KNOW we have to change. Today I am screaming "WHY NOW?!"

Acronym: AFGO = Another F***ing Growth Opportunity. Whoever thought that one up was an angry alcoholic.

Angry + Alcoholic = dry drunk!!!

Honesty

"There are those, too, who suffer from from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest." Pg. 58 Alcoholics Anonymous "The Big Book"

Chapter 5 from the Big Book "How it Works" is read before almost every meeting (pages 58-60). The above quote is part of the reading.

Getting honest!!! Wow what a concept!

I used to have anxiety attacks, manic episodes and depression. I would be lying if I said that I don't suffer from those today. The difference today is that I don't have to take medication to deal with those issues. I deal with them directly in an honest way. Looking back, in 1993, when a doctor put me on zoloft, clonopin, lithium, etc. I now feel like I was a guinea pig. My opinion, and this IS just my opinion, doctors are too willing to give out medications. Granted, there are cases where medication is needed but I am in contact with people like me that were over prescribed medications.

Anxiety! How I suffered from that. When I went to my first meeting I just about had a heart attack when I realized that everyone said their name and the nature of their disease. I wanted to run out of the room because I didn't even want to say my name. I was in deep fear and anxiety. Today, and this baffles me, I secretary three meetings a week and I have gotten up and done a Speaker Meeting. When I secretary, I sit in front of, anywhere from 20 to 70 people, and talk. As for the Speaker Meeting, I backed out on my first one but this past August I got up in a big room full of people and told my story. I spoke for about 20 minutes. Did I have anxiety? YES! But, I found out MOST people feel that way. It is just life.

As for the manic episodes and depression... well anyone that knows me, knows I can talk a mile a minute and get sort of crazy. Now that I know what my character defects are, I know that when I get into a manic episode I have to look deep inside and see what the real issue is (getting honest with self). Yes it is a chemical imbalance but I can take a deep breath and meditate. No medication needed. As for depression, when I feel it coming on... I talk about it, go to meetings, do service work... I look at my depression as a selfish thing. I am not a doctor but I know there are ways of dealing with things without drugs.

I am not a guru of "the program," but I sure am grateful that I had the willingness to open my mind and surrender my ego.